Why You Struggle In Relationships and What You Can Do About It.

Do you ever feel like you have troubles cultivating and maintaining strong lasting relationships? Do you spend most of your time sitting quietly by yourself? Or are you really good at surface relationships, but fall apart when things get too serious? 

If this sounds like you then allow me to explain why you are the way you are and what you can do about it:

Our journey starts in 1950 with a neo-freudian psychologist named Erik Erikson. In that year, he developed his theory of psychosocial development which breaks down human development into eight stages, or “crises”, during which we either develop into healthy, happy functional adults or, well…. the opposite. I highly suggest you check out this theory in full because it is both fascinating and insightful. We are going to focus on stage five. It takes place during our young adulthood (late teens to early 30’s) and is called “Intimacy Vs. Isolation”. 

This stage is characterized by the conflict between the desire for intimacy and the fear of isolation.

1. Intimacy: During this stage, individuals seek to form deep and meaningful relationships with others. This includes romantic relationships, close friendships, and connections with family members and peers. Intimacy involves emotional openness, trust, and the willingness to share one's thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities with others. Successful resolution of this conflict results in the ability to establish and maintain healthy, satisfying relationships.

2. Isolation: On the contrary, if individuals fail to navigate this stage successfully, they may experience a sense of isolation and emotional distance from others. This can manifest as difficulty forming close relationships, fear of vulnerability, and a tendency to keep others at a distance. It can lead to feelings of loneliness, alienation, and a lack of meaningful social connections.

According to Erikson, successfully resolving the Intimacy vs. Isolation stage is crucial for overall psychosocial development, as it sets the foundation for forming strong interpersonal relationships, experiencing emotional intimacy, and developing a sense of belonging and connectedness with others throughout life. Failure to do so can result in social and emotional difficulties that persist into later stages of adulthood.

So, where do you stand? Are you/did you form deep and meaningful relationships during young adulthood, or are you/did you isolate yourself from others?

Why am I the way I am?

If you feel like you are struggling, or have struggled in this stage here are a few things that may have contributed: 

1. Capacity for Trust: A person's ability to trust both themselves and others plays a pivotal role. If someone has experienced a secure attachment in early childhood, they are more likely to have a strong foundation of trust, making it easier for them to form intimate connections later in life. On the contrary, individuals with a history of betrayal or neglect may struggle with trust issues, which can hinder their ability to form close relationships.

2. Previous Relationship Experiences: Past experiences in relationships, whether positive or negative, can shape one's approach to intimacy. Positive experiences, such as supportive friendships and successful romantic relationships, can boost confidence in forming intimate bonds. Conversely, negative experiences, like past rejections or unhealthy relationships, may lead to fear or hesitance in opening up emotionally.

3. Self-Esteem: A healthy sense of self-esteem is crucial for intimacy. Individuals with a positive self-image are more likely to believe they are deserving of love and connection. Conversely, low self-esteem can lead to feelings of unworthiness, making it challenging to engage in intimate relationships.

4. Emotional Openness: The willingness to be emotionally open and vulnerable is at the core of intimacy. Those who are comfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities with others are better equipped to form deep connections. However, individuals who fear vulnerability or have a tendency to keep their emotions guarded may struggle to develop intimacy.

5. Supportive Relationships and Early Attachments: Early attachment experiences, particularly with caregivers and primary family members, can significantly impact one's ability to form intimate relationships. Secure and nurturing early attachments provide a strong foundation for healthy social and emotional development. In contrast, insecure or disrupted attachments may lead to difficulties in forming trusting and intimate connections in adulthood.

In summary, the capacity for trust, past relationship experiences, self-esteem, emotional openness, and early attachment experiences all contribute to the development of intimacy vs. isolation during young adulthood. These factors interact in complex ways and can either facilitate or hinder the formation of deep and meaningful connections with others during this critical stage of development.

Building intimacy in 6 steps:

Transitioning from isolation to intimacy is a gradual and transformative process that involves several important steps:

1. Self-Reflection: Begin by engaging in deep self-reflection to understand the root causes of your isolation. Examine your fears, insecurities, and the reasons behind your tendency to withdraw from social interactions. Identifying these barriers is crucial as it serves as the initial step toward change.

2. Build Self-Esteem: Building self-esteem is a fundamental aspect of transitioning from isolation to intimacy. Self-esteem forms the foundation upon which healthy relationships are built. Focus on boosting your self-worth, self-confidence, and self-acceptance. Self-assured individuals tend to find it easier to connect with others.

3. Seek Professional Help: If your isolation is linked to more profound emotional issues, past traumas, or mental health challenges, it may be highly beneficial to seek therapy or counseling. A qualified mental health professional can help you address underlying issues, develop coping strategies, and provide guidance on navigating social interactions.

4. Expand Social Circles: Gradually broaden your social circles by engaging in activities that genuinely interest you. Join clubs, take classes, or attend events related to your hobbies and passions. These settings provide opportunities to meet new people who share your interests, making social interactions feel more natural and enjoyable.

5. Open Up Gradually: Start by sharing small, non-threatening details about yourself with individuals you trust. These could be thoughts or experiences that you feel comfortable discussing. As you become more at ease with sharing, gradually open up about deeper emotions, fears, and personal experiences. Trust and intimacy tend to develop slowly, so be patient with yourself.

6. Practice Vulnerability: Embrace vulnerability as a strength rather than a weakness. Understand that it's entirely normal to have vulnerabilities, and sharing them with others can deepen connections. Vulnerability involves expressing your genuine thoughts and feelings, even if there's a fear of rejection or judgment. Over time, practicing vulnerability can lead to more meaningful and authentic relationships.

Remember that the journey from isolation to intimacy is unique for each person, and it may take time to see significant progress. Be patient with yourself, and celebrate even small steps forward in your efforts to connect with others and build meaningful relationships.

If you are looking to grow your relationships and develop into the person you want to be reach out today and book a free consultation.